Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
