I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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