I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
