i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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