The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
