Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
