I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Randomize
