my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
