I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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