If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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