So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
