It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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