im drinking this country out of the recession.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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