I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
