About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
