I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
he just fucked me for my cheese..
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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