You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
