I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
