Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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