just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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