It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
