Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
