just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
