how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
