I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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