Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
