I wish I could punch you in the face.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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