last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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