when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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