Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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