you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
