Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
