You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
