I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
