Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
