who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
