My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
