please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
