My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
