She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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