it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
