he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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