I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
