No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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