someone threw a dead crab at me
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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