This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
