A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
