I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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