i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
