even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
